Spiritual Abuse (spir’-i-choo-el a-byoos’). Wouldn’t it be great if it was as simple as looking it up in a dictionary? But nothing about spiritual abuse is simple. Those who have experienced it, know it is powerful enough to cause them to question their relationship with God, indeed, the very existence of God. And it is subtle too! The perpetrators of spiritual abuse are rarely ‘Snidely Whiplash’ sorts of characters who announce that they are going to drain your spiritual energy. They may be people who seem like they are seeking to guide you to the deepest levels of spiritual maturity.
Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.
The result? Well, if you have experienced spiritual abuse, you know result. We hope the resources at this web site will be helpful to you. The damage that has been done is not irreversible. It is possible to feel safe again. It is possible to learn to rest again. It is possible to regain that sense of blessing you once had when you first realized that God’s stance towards you, God’s ‘yes’, was not based on your performance, but rather on God’s very own performance, that of Jesus, signed, sealed, finished, available in gift-form only.
Jeff VanVonderen
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Hi! Sounds like you sure were in a Christian cult just like I was! Only in my case it was great for 16 months, I worked my tail off & wham bam I got judged! I who worked my tail off got rejected while 4 white girls, 3 of whom were not even in the group & one who was there 6 wks all went on summer project while I was publically rejected& humiliated. I’m half white half hispanic jew& it was noticeable that 3 girls were sorority girls & 6wk girl was blonde & blue eyed. But there is still hope in Christ! Romans 8:1 For there is now no comdemnation in Christ Jesus! Ephes 2:10 For you are Gods Masterpiece! Hang out in Ephes chapters 1-3, Gala chapter 5 & all of Romans 8, lsaiah 41:10-16, Isaiah 54:17 & Isaiah 61:1-5. For God’s judgement on false teachers read 2 Peter 2:1-5, Jeremiah 8, Eziekiel 18, Matt 7:15-20. Finally there is the curse false teachers live under a curse Gala 1:8-9 & will be suddenly destroyed 2 Peter 2:1! Remember 1 John 4:4 You have already won your battle over these people because the spirit that lives in you is greater than the spirit that lives in the world! Guess I should publish my books on recovering from spiritual abuse after all! Hope this will up lift you! rapturegirl777@yahoo.com
I was a former member of the Geftakys assembly when I lived in Northern California from 1996-1999. Even in that short amount of time, the damage done to my spiritual health was tremendous. I have not been able to find a church home that I can trust or stop comparing to that of the assembly. My mind was definitely messed with by the leading brothers’ twisted logic.
The after effects of leaving the group and not being able to settle into ANY church have been very detrimental my family. My oldest daughter is also showing extreme signs of rebellion and disinterest in God. She had to bear the brunt of living in the assembly as a child dominated by an authoritative and unstable mother.
I hate that I allowed that to happen in her life. I was a young mother with no husband already bearing wounds from an abusive and dysfunctional childhood. It’s too late to change it all, but I can’t help but wish I had never accepted that flyer/invitation to Bible Study.
I was given the Ultimatum I was to step up and represent at surf church in order to be in what was to be Our family unit. It is frighteningly sad to see my ex with a two week infant in one arm getting high in celebration with my Son flopping about. Many groups sponsred by this church including craft group…day i sat through it the message broke into 3 parts 1 you areLonely 2 rreference to dating inside the curch and 3 buddies ability to get a hot girl because he rock and rolls for church…My ex almost dropped our infant son lurching to say hi to one of the members, she is a goner…there is a bar right next door and they hold group meetings at a nearby sports bar…leadership is anything but seemly and it seems like a front for Christian mingle…I love my Son He doesn’thave a say and should not be dragged around at 2 weeks…I grew up Catholic, i am in much pain my only recourse praying for strength during this time of pain…
Spiritual abuse has to be one of the worst violations, as the victims tend to then deny all aspects of spirituality.
Thank you for bringing this to light.
I have been part of a church and working for it for the last 5years or so. I had an experience with God that was just about him and i wanted to find out more.I ended up at this church and joined a home group as i wanted to find out more about being a Christian. But I found it wast really about relationships it was more about trying to sell me there idea of who i should be and how i should be and the main part what i should do. I tried to ignore the overzealous behaviour until i had enough. I moved but still went to the church i didnt get that it was the whole church yet. when i started work there and got more involved i started to get people show up where ever i was even at work and i started to feel monitored and stalked…what ever i did there would be the same comments about doing for the church over and over from different people..i pulled out of things and thats when i got comments or looks and digs or snide remarks from all over so i started to drop out of attending things..as that sort of behaviour is not loving and not godly. It felt like bullying tactics…so then i got regular visits through out my day from the top downwards. Nice smiles but always with hidden agendas which put my guard up all day…i also got bullied by another staff member to join there team until i caved in but found as soon as i did, they changed the remit and expected much more than they led me to believe. This happened also when i got harassed to join something else. It was like constantly trying to brainwash you or harass you till you gave in and when you did it was always not what you were told. This performanced based relating was actually void of relating and i got more an more uneasy. Although i had a few people who helped but didnt really tell me what it was all about…people started to leave and i wouldnt find out as noone would mention. If anything was brought up it was always directed as you have issues, either your personal ones which over time you had revealed because you thought you were in a caring environmet only to find out that would be used as a reason for your DISOBEDIENCE….etc Favouritism is rife, clicks and gossip and hidden agendas seem to be taken as a normal way to do things. This is supposed to be Godly behaviour..? I read an article that someone had written about Inappropriate Leadership Control and it confirmed all those warnings my gut and the Holy Spirit had been giving me. I am now so upset i have taken time off work….i feel disgusted and angry and do not want to talk to anyone connected with the place at all…but i still have bills to pay and i am going to find myself homeless…this is not Gods caring people…its more like a cult and as i have no where else to go the worry has made me feel physically sick….And the only hope i have had in my life God has somehow been polluted by this…and they think its Holy…there is nothing Holy about manipulating, coersion, ganging up on and controlling people nothing it is enslaving people and from what i see most are comfortable to stay there because they dont know anything else..
Im going through the same thing as elizabeth. Spiritual abuse by my former pastor. I was getting counseling it turned emotional then sexual. I’m really trying to move although nothing is happening now except that he still pays by bills. I want to tell so bad but he keep saying that im trying to destroy him. I’m not but I feel so mentally drained. I need help!! How do I move on with my life. I’m a fulltime student and I dont have income. I feel like he still playing mind games although there is nothing going on with us. I just feel trapped.
It was really comforting to read everyones messages. I was sexually and emotionally abused by my Pastor for 6 months. There were many times when I tried to tell him that we needed to stop and tell his wife. He turned it on me and asked me if I wanted to ruin her life and the ministry. Towards the beginning of everything happening I told him that I didn’t feel he was taking responsibility and that him not stopping was failing me as my Pastor and he told me it really hurt his feelings and he was said to hear me say that but it didn’t stop anything. He continually played mind games with me and made it very difficult for me to connect with others in the church. He put me in charge of things while knowing full well I’d feel so guilty. He even told me he was “satisfying me sexually” so that I wouldn’t give myself away to someone who didn’t deserve me.. it was him who was making a sacrifice. I’m happy to hear I am not the only one but sad at the same time. I pray that if you experience abuse that you find help through a Christian counselor.. my experience thus far has been invaluable.
I don’t think my idea of spiritual abuse is the same as yours. My family and my life has been broken due to what I think is spiritual abuse. In order to marry my Grandmother insisted my Jewish Grandfather be “saved.” He did. She wanted the rest of his family to convert. They did not, so they became no part of their lives, and thus mine either. Even though alive, I never got to met them. I converted to Judaism myself almost 20 years ago. Yet still I endure a constant barrage of, “you are going to hell” “you are the worst kind of sinner because you knew Jesus and turned away.” Every religious holiday associated with Christianity, I receive materials trying to make me convert to Christianity. My children repeatedly receive monogrammed Bibles with key texts highlighted. I regularly receive tearful and emotional phone calls from relatives about the fate of my soul and the terrible injustice that I have done to my children by not raising them Chrisitan. I have tried everything. Literally everything. Finally about two months ago I sought pastoral counseling from a chaplain because chaplains are really for all religions. He told me that their behavior is in fact abusive and that for my family’s well being I should sever contact with them. He called them “toxic” which is probably true, but very sad. To me, that means I have to lose my family- literally. If I was unwilling to completely sever, he said that I should at least severely limit my contact with them because they REFUSE to stop and REFUSE to keep religion out of our interactions. I greive heavily the loss of my family even though they are not dead. I want so much to know them better and be closer too them, but this religion thing keeps getting in the way. I am so sad and so hurt by this. I know they mean only to give me the greatest gift that they can give me, but when I tell them that, they say they pray almost constantly for me to be able to receive their gift. This, surely is also spiritual abuse. I cannot understand why in Christianity there has to be only one valid religion for all of humanity?
I am a psychologist, and a struggling Christian who is also in the early stages of recovery from religious abuse. Thanks for this article, and for bringing attention to this often ignored, but extremely detrimental type of abuse. My latest CD, Why Do You Preach Fear, and the latest blog article in my blog, PSYCHOLOGY COMES ALIVE addresses the role of music as a cathartic catalyst in recovering from religious abuse.
http://blog.psychologycomesalive.com/2011/01/03/will-katy-perry-become-the-poster-child-for-religious-abuse-recovery.aspx
I was in a Independent Fundamental Baptist church and was taught that we were the only true church so I was brainwashed and it is hard to break through that but I got a hold of book called Churches that abuse and it open my eyes a little and got me thinking and when we left which it has been a little over a year I think I have read everyone of your books. It has been very healing and a huge part of my detoxing. Thank you for all your time and effort. God Bless you.
Thank for your ministry. I am still dealing with the aftermath of spiritual abuse. The Lord tells us not to repay evil for evil but in a day when cutthroat authority that claims faith and leadership is used for personal gain from others, using their resources,time,talents,and God given abilities for others gain, and then sabotages and undermines the person, belittling,or emotionally abusing them, this kind of authority is not healthy or ok. What does God say about those who do this? This experience was utterly devastaging to me, and to make matters worse, one of the pastors I served at a different church literally was involved with this new church, got a gal pregnant out of wedlock who wasn’t even christian, his other pastor friend covered it up, and this pastor had this young pregnant woman lead in worship, but kept it hush, hush.
Added to this fiery trial, the associate pastor of a mega church that I joined literally physcially assaulted me when I went to say goodbye and tell him between the two of us I wasn’t putting up with this abuse anymore. It was a nightmare and the really crazy thing is nothing was done, as if to just use the excuse of God’s grace was sufficient. What does a believer do with these kind of experiences? Still on the mend, but could sure use your prayers and support.
In his grip,
Jane Doe
To Vince, This topic is specific to church abuse that truly exist. People need this encouragement to help them to move on in peace. It deals specificly in that area. However it does not say all pastors are guilty of that, as there are some bibically based Pastors out there. Perhaps you are on the wrong website if this is not what “you” need. Maybe you should be at the website for “abused Pastor’s family”. God bless!
Hmmmm…. I see more damaging things on these. Guess, what, as I try to see the things posted here, I feel like “pastors” are the evil here.
Well, I believe you have a good and honest motives in writing these materials, but it just seem that on the other end, pastors end up being abused.
I was a son of a pastor, and I have seen that pastors are all the more “potentially abused” than members.
May I list some:
1. I had to work for my schooling because a huge part of our income goes to ministry – members.
2. Sometimes we need to go fishing just to have a meal, because our meal already went to members.
3. People live in the house, eat our food, and then afterwards gossip my family to the whole church.
4. People always accuse us of false things then only to find out later on, they are wrong…
There could be more abuses to the pastor’s side.
Well, I just think that you presentation is a little bit unfair. If you are a minister yourself, or pastor perhaps since you are already ministering to people, I hope you’ll not be abused too just as we had been.
This is a dangerous ministry you are playing brother.
Vince; I believe that somehow you and your family were victims of abuse….
it can happen to pastors, and it can happen BY pastors. I pray that you have
recovered well and those that participated in the abuse will be convicted
in their hearts and repent. However, look at it from the point of view of those
that sit in the pews. You say it’s a dangerous ministry to point out instances
of abuse. Consider this: Right now police brutality accusations are in the news
probably every week or two. I’m sure that through the years there were many
instances of that kind of abuse, but before internet and Facebook and phones
that can record events, most of that was heresy and not always believed. Because
we as citizens want to think our police are above reproach, we can’t fathom them
doing things that “criminals” and other people have claimed. Because we did not
see it with our eyes and were always taught to think highly of them, we hesitated
to take the word of a criminal over a policeman or anyone in authority. Now we
have proof of abuse and can’t deny it any longer. I believe that God Himself is causing
the truth to come out because He will not look away and allow it to continue as
it has in the past. Of course we also know about policemen being killed when they
are just doing their jobs. God will expose that also. What makes you think that God
is not behind the truth coming out in shocking detail about some things going on in
the church? I believe MOST churches and MOST pastors are good, godly men or women.
Those that have been abused (as I have) please don’t turn away from GOD. God is NOT
a man that HE should lie!!! He is faithful. Don’t think that if you have been abused that
God turned a blind eye to it. Right now He is shaking the church and that starts with
leadership. I’m so sorry for what happened to your family. But just as God is causing
issued to be raised in His churches, I think it’s dangerous NOT to address these things.
I was raised in a Catholic church…after being born again I attended an Assemblies of God
Church. I was never abused in the Catholic church but my brother was an altar boy for a
priest that later turned out to be a pedophile. My brother angrily confronted him. When he
tried to tell us this priest was abusing boys sexually, none of us believed him. The older
priest when he found out about it simply gave him a slap on the wrist and told him to
“behave”. Do you think it was more dangerous to expose that, or was it more dangerous
to keep it hidden for the decades it went on, with little boys being destroyed emotionally,
some even to this day suffering because of it? I was verbally abused for the 20 years I
attended the Assem. of God. church, publicly and behind closed doors. But one thing I
know…..I still LOVE GOD with all my heart and He is always faithful. I trust Him to lead me
where I need to go. He did not cause these people to do what they did. But He will not
wink at this either. He said there would be wolves in sheeps clothing. He also said not
to participate in things done in darkness, but rather EXPOSE them. Are you wiser than He is?
Respectfully, I will pray for you and your family for I feel that you too have been hurt.
God is the God of restoration.
I see you address church leadership, but what about a wife that has moved into false teaching, Faith Movement and so on (over a 15 year period), and becomes the one to be the spiritual abuser? I don’t quite see that addressed here. For her there is no room for discussion/dialogue as you as the husband are in ‘deception’ and the role of the spiritual leader is negated because you do not have the ‘insight’ she has, until of course you come into the husband God has ‘told’ her through ‘revelation’ that you should be. It’s exhausting and of course makes you feel ‘done’. With a leader or church you can just walk away, but marriage (of course) it’s quite different.
I have been on the receiving end of serious spiritual and mental abuse and am trying to deal with it. Recently a trusted friend and a pastor have told me to go and apologies publicly for ‘my part of it’. Being told this hurts, again. Why would someone who has been abused have to say sorry to the abusers?
After joining an intercessors group, I was betrayed by people I made friends with. Through them, I became deceived and didn’t know it until recently. I am dealing with emotional pain, anger, hurt, and feeling like I have lost connection with God. I no longer have friends. I recently started attending a church that is grounded in prayer and the Word. It’s so refreshing after the cult like, manmade religious churches I have been in over the last 6 years. I’m thankful I am not alone in this abuse recovery and so grateful that God never once turned His back on me. Praise the Lord!
Hi Everyone,
Yes, my book has been published! If you would like a copy of the book: ‘Spiritual Abuse Recovery: Dynamic Research on Finding a Place of Wholeness’–just contact me at: info@churchexiters.com.
Books are $29 U.S. You can find a description of the book on my website: http://www.ChurchExiters.com.
I believe that this book will be a welcome resource for church leaders as well as wounded congregants.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
Dr.Barb Orlowski
i believe that i too suffered spiritual abuse. my leaders had do a year and a haalf of “pastoral training” and to get to know a very well-known pastor’s son. I did not have any physical contact and thought that it was very spritual. right now, i am homeless because of this, and the leadership was very aware of my domestic violence and the issues that it brings. after my damascus road experience, i have been on the outside with severe reprecussions. now, when i was in the inner circle, i am an outcast.these persons minister the Word of God, and I truly have my doubts.i have found out that some of the methods are somewhat of an physcosocial. i have even considered of leaving my city because of the constant harrassment. thanksss
Hi Everyone,
My doctoral research on how people recovered after spiritual abuse in the local church is soon to be published.
I have helpful information on my website: http://www.ChurchExiters.com.
I will also let people know when the book is available.
Sharing in your pain,
Dr. Barb Orlowski
SPIRITUAL ABUSE WILL BE CONFRONTED WITH GOD’S WRATH.TRUE BELIEVERS MUST PRAY AND SPEAK GOD’S WORD REGARDING THESE WOLVES AND FALSE PROPHETS AND FALSE TEACHERS WHO OBVIOUSLY DON’T BELIEVE GOD’S WORD FOR THEMSELVES.GOD WILL PROTECT HIS SHEEP AND EXPOSE SPIRITUAL ABUSE FOR WHAT IT IS.THESE PRETENDERS AND ABUSERS WILL SOON LEARN THEIR LESSON ABOUT PLAYING WITH GOD AND HURTING GOD’S CHILDREN! GOD IS A HEALER AND THERE IS A FUTURE IN YOUR TRUE CALLING-EVEN AFTER ABUSE!
I was spiritually abused recently. I am hurt and dealing with anger. I also was abused last year and it took me a long time to get over that incident. I lost alot of friends over it, but God stood by me and He continues to be faithful! Thank you for the information on spiritual abuse!
Your writings have played a tremendous role in my personal healing from spiritual abuse. Thank you for your commitment, passion, and faithfulness to God.
It’s just so reassuring to know that I’m not on my own.
this website is very helpful..batteredsheep.com
It has been 4 years since we left the church and community we had poured ourselves into. 7 years since the pain started. And I have found myself with no trust, no church family, no real friends and unhealed. It has hurt my marriage and family and i wonder if I will ever heal or recover. It seems the longer it has been the less hope I have that there is another chapter or a reason for the pain.
No hope
Spiritual abuse comes in many forms. There’s a blog that talks about the abuse endemic in the patriarchal/quiverfull movement. It’s called ‘No Longer Quivering’. Those readers here who are not familiar with this movement will undoubtedly find it of interest.
I attended a church one time that not only condoned the physical and psychological abuse of my husband toward me, but abandoned myself and my children when he left us with nothing. It has been a difficult road back to my faith and trusting church institutes, but God is gracious.
My friend Grace was a missionary kid in Brazil during the 1940’s and her memoir, Divine Betrayl (www.divinebetrayal.com) talks about the abuse, both physical and sexual, that she experienced there. My husband and I also experienced spiritual abuse at the church we worked until, thank God, we escaped and found freedom. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to reading your book! Eileen
Hi.
Check out http://www.ChurchExiters.com.
This is a doctoral dissertation which is available online.
Jeff has done a lot to help people recover from spiritual abuse. Another good website to learn more about check out ChurchAbuse.com.
I have gotten a lot out of Jeff’s books.
I have not read your book but I will!When I read your intro. I found it very profound. I was a part of a church a spiritual family for over 10 yrs.Then a charming man started attending and after 7mos. of meeting him he and the Pastor managed to convince my heart to marry him.On the day of our wedding at the alter he was no longer emotionally connected with me? I thought it was just nerves but on our honeymoon he rejected me often and refused to french kiss me. The next 3 years was nightmare of neglect and finding womens phone numbers and when I went to the church for help and he refused to repent after 2 yrs of counseling I was told that if I did not stay focused on Jesus and stay in the marrage and behave correctly that I would be placed on church discipline and be eventually Excommunicated from the church.My husband became increasingly abusive physically and emtionally and I felt trapped in a corner I ran away and filed for divorce without the love and support of my “family” I was lost but I finally felt safe.
Thank you for putting this on your site because spiritual abuse is so real in a lot of churches today but not to many people want to talk about it. Yes, I have been spiritual abuse for 2 years. I did not know it until a pastor talk to me about it and I read the bible Then I know that I was being spiritual abuse. I just want to say thank you and may God bless you.